Communication

In our C.H.O.I.C.E.S. series, we are starting with Communication. Communication forms the bedrock of every relationship. In many interactions, communication is very natural, occurring without any overt thinking involved. In other situations we might think things are like the Matrix or simply playing a Rubix Cube. We believe we simply have a choice to make in how to respond. But we forget that for everyone we’ve interacted with, there was a time we formulated how to speak with them to get what we needed out of the conversation, setting the stage for future conversations. We overlook how the way we think, the way we communicate, the way we behave, unconsciously involves several versions of us in every conversation. We seldom realize the profound impact of past experiences and emotional triggers on our current communication style that directly influence how our words are heard and received by others. So, we first need to ask ourselves, who are we actually conversing with? Is it the other person, or is it actually ourselves?

Communication is not about being right, it's about being heard and wanting to be understood. We often seek validation when we reach out to someone else, hoping our words resonate with the other person and produce affirmation, problem solving, or sharing of mutual experiences. What we don’t appreciate is how often past conversations dictate how we speak to others, especially when we 1) haven’t gotten the responses we expected in the past and 2) when we aren’t getting the responses we expect now. This leads to misunderstandings where we try to bring back the original point, but end up experiencing disagreements and negatively impacted relationships. You have to remember that the other person also speaks with their past experiences and versions of themselves!

Think about the game "Telephone," where a whispered phrase changes by the end of the line. This is a classic example of how our communication delivery and reception can become out of sync when other people are involved. Communication breakdowns in real conversations can fuel relationship issues, substance use, or mental health problems.

The basics of Communication comprise a message, a sender, and a receiver. Yet, as individuals with diverse morals, values, and emotions, our messages often lack clarity. As our communication evolves in modern contexts, we intentionally or unintentionally introduce further communication barriers. For example, despite knowing texts lack nuance, many of us still prefer them over voice calls, which can lead to misunderstood or understated messages. In the remaining paragraphs, we will cover key things to keep in mind when it comes to communication and offer suggestions for how to make your words work better for you and for others.

Miscommunication: A Relationship Hazard

Miscommunication can be subtly toxic in relationships, leading to isolation or alienation from essential human connections. Ineffective communication can lead to anger, sadness, or fear, and if left unchecked, could lead to dire consequences like loneliness or, worse, the loss of a loved one. Therefore, learning effective communication strategies is necessary.

The Different Communication Styles: Aggressive, Passive, Passive-aggressive, and Assertive

Communication styles come in different forms. They are unique, but share the same objective of getting someone else's attention or fulfilling one's needs. The question is, which style is most effective? Which style do you use? And which style do you struggle with when interacting with others?

Being Assertive: A Positive Way to Express

Being assertive means expressing your feelings and opinions positively without leading to negative consequences, such as fighting. For instance, an aggressive person is only concerned about what they want and may use force. A passive person doesn't express their feelings or desires and gives in to what the other person wants. On the other hand, an assertive person says their feelings and states what they want, but also seeks a solution that suits the other person. They also stand up for their rights while recognizing the other person's rights.

Identifying Communication Pitfalls

If you are struggling with communication, it's crucial to identify problematic situations and patterns. Understanding your reactions—anger, withdrawal, sadness—can provide insights into how you shape subsequent interactions. Life's communications are not about mere repetition but engagement. The receiver quickly becomes a sender, adding complexity to the exchange. Silence or pausing, often misinterpreted as disinterest, can further complicate the conversation. Before a serious discussion, one must consider the words and the full spectrum of communication—internal cues, body language, and external feedback.

Understanding relationships where communication feels effortless can help you navigate difficult conversations. Beyond interpersonal communication, consider the A.B.C. model from cognitive behavioral therapy, which connects life events or situations (Adversity), Beliefs (thoughts), and emotions or behaviors (Consequences). Awareness of our thought patterns is crucial for emotional and behavioral change. Self-awareness and communication are vital in reshaping ideas—scientific principles, and the environment and relationships contribute to this change.

Words like "I'm sorry" or "Let's talk" can alter long-held beliefs and feelings. Expressing ourselves—correctly and effectively—can be challenging, but it's vital for healing and growth. After all, communication is not just about being heard but also about being understood and validated. Our mothers would say, "A closed mouth never gets fed." It's a reminder that we need to voice our needs and feelings to facilitate understanding and connection.

The Importance (and Art) of Listening

An essential aspect of communication is listening. We often fail to hear our inner voice that is speaking because we are always talking. If we improve our listening skills, we can better guide ourselves through life. Listening also is vital for communicating with others. Listening to ourselves while also helping others feel heard helps us by helping them communicate better). Listening, being honest, respecting, and loving oneself, and showing that love to others is fundamental to effective communication.

We hope that you take these pieces of advice and think about ways in which you might communicate, and listen, differently. Communication is incredibly important in the relationships we experience and is also incredibly difficult to get right if there’s friction either internally or with the person you are trying to talk to. Take some time to reflect on these suggestions and see if you notice an improvement. However, Communication is just one piece of the puzzle. Next time we will discuss how Honesty is also vital for our personal growth.